


This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

by Hedge Witch (Speechless_Seal), Speechless_Seal



Category: Villainous (Cartoon), Villanos (Cartoon)
Genre: 5.0.5 is a baby that must be protected, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Black Hat is terrifying, Demencia is going ape, Destruction, Goldenheart is related to Flug, Hopefully Mostly Humor, I'll try not too be too graphic, Laboratories, Lizards, Other, Set After "The Dreadful Dawn" probably, Sick Character, Some Humor, Stomach Ache, Superheroes, Supervillains, The Angel Hero might also be chilling in a corner, Vomiting, Weapons of Mass Destruction, first chapter is just kind of an intro to what happens but it's not centered around Flug, hatbots, someone please get flug some gatorade or something he's suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-01-29 18:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21414400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speechless_Seal/pseuds/Hedge%20Witch, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speechless_Seal/pseuds/Speechless_Seal
Summary: Flug is way, way too sick to work, and it may all be Demencia's fault- but the work still needs to get done anyway.The lab is all hers for the day, and she's ready to have fun with it.
Relationships: Black Hat/Demencia (Villainous)
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

Demencia had been waiting to be released since 5 AM that morning. 

She wasn't usually much of an early bird, but today was special. Today, a pathetic mess of a hero was dangling over her containment area in a cage. The fear emanated from them in waves of mouthwatering scent. She could hear them praying, see them trembling. "No gods can save you here," she wanted to scream, but it built up in her throat behind her muzzle. Oh, to let loose a deranged cackle, to see the terror in their eyes! Sadly, there would be no further tormenting the poor hero until Dr. Flug let her go in time for breakfast. 

So she waited. 

Soon, slivers of sunlight had begun to filter through the mansion's curtains to notify her that it was way past daybreak. All the lights in the containment area buzzed on with a hefty clunk. 

Either Flug was awake, or the automated system had done its job. Either way, the terrified hero above her wailed in frantic despair. Something interesting was finally happening-!

Except it didn't. 

Kenning Flugslys was nowhere to be found. His Hatbots had streamed into the room, as usual, awaiting orders from their technopathic creator, but were left without a job to do. Demencia could see Hatbot T1M at the control panel as usual. It had a near-human expression of concern of its face. Whatever degree of sentience that measly tin can had, it obviously recognized that something was wrong. T1M made its way over to the pit she was caught in. It cocked its head, and its face contorted into a confused expression with a soft click. 

Demencia huffed through her muzzle.

"Well, don't ask me! He was supposed to release me like an hour ago! I'm starving!"

"Clunk," T1M responded. It stared back at its less expressive comrades. 

"Listen, how about you let me go and I'll find him? Deal?"

"Click!" T1M mused. Its expression shifted again. She felt her restraints loosen, and she made her way up to the hero's cage with a dastardly grin across her face. 

Once the hero (she believed his name was Voltage, and he'd tasted a bit like smoked lamb) was thoroughly mauled, she made her way up to where T1M and its peers sat. 

"Thanks, little dude- now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go beat Flug’s ass for leaving us here.” 

* * *

The distressed blubbering coming from a pile of blankets on the floor gave her some idea of what had happened to the head scientist of Black Hat Organization. 

She dropped down from the ceiling. 5.0.5 was still asleep in his little corner of the room. All the lights were off except for the dim glow coming from Flug’s cryosleep chamber, which didn’t look like it had been used much. She found the light switch (which was a literal lever, mind you: despite his focus on reason and efficiency, Flug seemed to have a flair for the dramatic), and turned it to the “on” position. The mound of blankets groaned loudly. It shifted again to shield itself from the light. 

“It’s 9:30, dumbass. I was about to eat my way through my restraints! Also, your little robot kids miss you— or whatever that dynamic is. And _ mi amorcito _is going to have your head for being late.”

She gave who she could only assume was Flug a gentle kick on the side. On any other day, she would’ve rammed her foot into his ribs hard enough to break them, but she was feeling merciful, having already mauled a hero to start the day off. 

She was met with only a pitiful whimper that made her grin from ear to ear—

Her eyes fell on something tucked under one of the blankets. She plucked it from the mound gently and held it up to see it better.

“...woah, hey— ...you took off your bag.”

It was soaked in—

Nope, she didn’t want to know. She threw it aside before she had to touch it any longer and knelt beside Flug. 

“If you don’t get up, I’ll actually kick you. For real. And this time I won’t be gentle, because I rarely get to see you without the bag.” 

Flug shifted, and she was met with a pair of glowering, puffy silver eyes staring straight at her through the blankets. 

“Are you having a mental breakdown or something? Is this what this is?”

He said nothing. More irritated, tearful glaring followed. 

“...are… are you giving me the silent treatment?”

“...” 

Before she could say anything else, an expression of pain and confusion crossed him. Slowly, he sat up, letting the blankets fall around him. He was shivering from head to toe. Dark circles marked the space under his eyes— that wasn’t new, but the puffiness was. His complexion was pale as a sheet. Tear streaks stained his cheeks and his lips looked dry and chapped. He brought his hands to his chest and closed his eyes lightly as took a deep, shaky breath. 

“...you look terrible.”

Flug huffed. He covered himself in a blanket again (which frankly looked disgusting), trying to hide his face as best as he could. 

“N-no need to remind me…”

“You know that’s not what I meant- and you sound terrible too. Have a cough drop, for Christ’s sake. Why were you ignoring me?”

Flug whipped his head around to face her. His mouth contorted into a snarl as he finally snapped at her.

“B-BECAUSE THIS IS _ YOUR FAULT _! B-because of your- your- _ idiotic, irresponsible behavior _—“

“Woah, woah, man! How is it my fault that you’re sick?!”

“_ You’re-“ _

He stuttered. 

_ “YOU’RE ALWAYS TOUCHING MY STUFF!” _

He growled the words, eyes streaming again.

“I-I never take my gloves off- n-not even to handle animals! There is not a _ hint _ of possible infectious vectors in my laboratory w-when- when- WHEN YOU’RE NOT CONSTANTLY _ MESSING WITH MY-“ _

Flug wheezed. A sob escaped his hoarse throat. 

“_ I’m dead, oh god, I’m dead- Black Hat is going to end me- *HIC* - I-I’m gonna-“ _

“Don’t be such a drama queen, Flug. How bad can it be? You can still work while you’re sick. I’ve seen you pull three all-nighters to catch up with work after what Black Hat has asked me to call an “impromptu trip” to the Eighth Plain of Torment. You’re tougher than this!”

“I-IT’S NOT JUST-“

Flug hugged his chest and groaned with exasperation. 

“_ I-I’m not just SICK, for GOD’S SAKE— I THINK YOU GAVE ME CAMPYLOBACTER-“ _

“Camp-lo-whatnow?” 

“_ CAMPYLOBACTERIOSIS!” _ Flug finally barked. “_REPTILES like YOU- _c-can…”

He quieted suddenly. He placed a hand over his stomach gently. He covered his mouth with his other hand and breathed in silence for a few moments before continuing. 

“... can carry Campylobacter- a-a bacterial infection th-that… that causes fever… headache, muscle aches, a-abdominal pain...cramps, vomiting… g-generally wanting to die…” 

“...you mean… I can just… make people sick? Just by touching their stuff a bunch?”

Demencia grinned from ear to ear. She’d definitely be using that to her advantage from then on. Flug didn’t seem so amused. His tone bordered dangerously close to the one he used with his victims. 

“_ T-THAT ISN’T WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO-“ _

The blood drained from his face as he quieted again. It was almost pitiful. 

“I’m gonna throw up.”

Demencia kicked over one of his blankets. 

“I knew that paper bag would come in handy someday. Now, if you’re done screaming at me, I’m going to work. Good luck convincing Black Hat not to kill you after this.” 

She turned to leave.

“D-Demencia- wait- _ please _-“

His pleading sounded pathetic enough to make her turn around, if only to further enjoy his suffering. 

“I-I… I-I need your help.”

“Those are four words I never thought I’d hear.”

Flug’s face lit up nonetheless. He seemed glad to catch her attention. 

“I-I was supposed to do a video today- t-to showcase some of the new gadgets to some of our c-customers- b-but…”

“But you’re a blithering idiot, so you want me to do it!”

“No! N-no- you- _ you—“ _

He caught himself. Demencia smirked. Seeing him try to suck up to her was hilarious, and something she’d definitely be teasing him about later. 

“… it’d be kind of a stain on the company’s reputation if I were to vomit on live inter-dimensional television.”

“And a stain on the carpet too, but it’s not the most embarrassing thing you would’ve done on camera. ”

She sat down beside him. Despite finding his conundrum hilarious, she did feel _a little bad_ about it. She gave him a few soft pats on the back. It was a half-assed attempt to soothe him, but he seemed to appreciate it anyway. 

“...I-I…”

He wiped his eyes. 

“Demencia… p-please... I was throwing up all n-night. I-I haven’t s-slept… I-I was so afraid of what Black Hat w-would do i-in the morning t-that I j-just _ couldn’t _sleep- n-no matter how exhausted m-my body was…”

Demencia leaned away from him. 

“Bummer. You had all night to think of what to do and you spent it curled up in the world’s most disgusting pile of blankets instead? Change your sheets, by the way. _Demonios._ They reek.”

Flug whimpered. He seemed to think he was losing her. 

“D-Dem… I’m not j-joking… m-my stomach feels like it’s f-full of glass shards… l-like I’m being punched in the gut over and over again… I-I just w-want some time to r-rest….”

“You’re pathetic, you know that? You’re _really_ asking for a sick day? You know very well that Black Hat Org doesn’t give sick days. Why would I go against the will of _mi amorcito?_ And wouldn’t it just be more fun to watch _ mi bombón _tear you limb from limb for this?”

Demencia savored the look of utter despair on his scarred-up face. 

“...D-dem…”

“Don’t “Dem” me, Paperbag. You’re a suckup and you know it.” 

“I-I’ll make a deal with you.” 

“....”

“...I’m listening.”

Flug lay back down on the floor. The relief flooded his eyes, but he still shivered every few moments and had his arms crossed over his chest. Even if Demencia didn’t agree to save him from Black Hat’s wrath, she made a mental note to bring him a bottle of Gatorade and some less disgusting blankets. 

“...you can play your music in the lab… a-as loud as you want for two weeks...a-and I won’t complain.”

“Uh-huh. Anything else?”

“W-what do you want?”

Demencia thought for a moment.

“Ice cream for breakfast every day for a week. Topped with pinky mice. Or I’ll accept a few fuzzies too.” 

Flug made a face. 

“Y-you’re disgusting...”

“Thank you. Do we have a deal?”

She held out a clawed hand to him. He reached out with his own burn-scarred hand and shook it. 

“Wonderful.”

“I-I left myself some instructions on m-my desk… and you already know Cambot’s password…”

“Yep! 042492. Honestly, why haven’t you changed that? You could save yourself a lot of trouble.”

“I-It’s not like… I have extra t-time to do that a-anyways…”

Flug sat up again. 

“...well, now you do, so-uh- go rest or whatever! And take a bath while you’re at it. You reek of death. Plus, it might feel nice to get the sweat out of your hair.”

“...yeah… a-a cold shower sounds nice…”

He struggled to his feet, dragging his blankets behind him. 

“Where are you going?”

“To wake 5.0.5… t-the house still needs cleaning… and y-you need help with the video…”

“Ah.”

The bear woke with a start when he reached him, and seemed to figure out that something was wrong fairly quickly. He pawed at his creator gently. He nuzzled him and practically lifted him off the ground to cradle him. 

“No- i-it’s okay, _ pachoncito _… I’ll… I’ll be fine- p-put me down…”

_ “Baw? _”

He was set down on the floor gently. 

“I’m… I’m going to go shower and then have a lie-down, alright…? J-just… holler if you need a-anything… and please, don’t wreck the lab… o-or-“

He shuddered. 

“O-or tell _ jefecito _…”

He walked away shakily, throwing his blankets aside. 

“Come on, 5.0.5. We have a job to do.” 

The bear followed her, glancing back with concern at the technopath sauntering in the other direction. 

“...we’re helping him, it’s alright. I’m going to leave some fresh blankets and a glass of apple juice out for him—just don’t tell him it was me. Would that make you feel better?”

5.0.5 nodded. His tongue lolled. 

“Let’s get to work, then.”


	2. Wreak Havoc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short start, where Dem is in charge of the video for the day.

“Hello, all you nosy little twerps of the villain world! My name is Demencia of the Black Hat Organization, led by mi amorcito, the greatest, most powerful being of evil to ever roam this or any universe- and in case you’re wondering where the babbling mess in a paper bag is, don’t immediately assume I have him tied up in a closet somewhere- he’s upstairs puking his guts out. Apparently, I can make people sick by just touching their stuff a bunch, something I definitely WILL be using to my advantage from now on-

But hey, this all works out for me, since I get to WRECK STUFF!

Well, not exactly.

But Flug’s inventions are all the same thing anyway, and most of them end up blowing up in his face one way or another-

Right, no, Demencia. You have to be professional if you want to impress Black Hat- chat up the customer-

5.0.5, edit that out, please- oh! 5.0.5! I thought you were with Flug. Awe, did the widdle baby fall asweep? Please tell me he took a shower before he did. 

...wow, he must be really sick. He’s usually a clean freak. 

Are you here to help me then, you big dumb cutie? 

Excellent! 

The first piece of junk we’ve got here is-

Ooh! Says here it’s to help villains having issues with flying heroes! 

Huh. Who would’ve thunk. 

The man actually invented hovering boards-

I still can’t believe the reality-altering remote came before this, but it seems he had bigger fish to fry- and as for me, I’m looking to catch the handsomest fish from the deepest, darkest chasms of the sea, with giant, shiny teeth, the likes of which no predator has ever seen before! A huuuge, shiny, tall and dark fish that will tear any other fish that dares come near me in half! Nomnomnomnomnom!

Right, where was I?

Hoverboards! 

Looks like a simple strap across the feet, must be like skateboarding! I can do that! I got bronze in the annual Atreno Skate Competition! Of course, that was after the Umbra incident, so the city was in a panic and I was the only one competing-

Oh, don’t look so nervous, 5.0.5. How hard could this be? 

Says here, “press this button”-

“BAAAAAAAW-”

WWWHWHHHHOOOAKAY I WANT DOWN I WANT DOWN I WANT-

SHOOT-

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, um, okay! Not that anyone should panic, but, I might’ve sort of crashed into some test subject pods and the ax-headed rhinoceros we call “1.4.1” is on a rampage across Hat Island- so, um-

I think it’s time for one of my…

DEMENCIA TIPS!

Despite however much I would love to talk about how to get your sinister sweetheart to notice you, we’re going to discuss something a bit different today! Today, we’re talking about…

Cue the graphic-

HOW TO SURVIVE A CHARGING RHINOCEROS!

Every good villain needs to know how to dodge! Even if your fists are as fast as mine, you can’t always punch your way out of every problem. I know, crazy, right?! Punching should be the answer to most things! 

The first step is to try and move in a different direction than it is charging since their eyesight is bad and they find it hard to change directions! If that doesn’t work, run into thick brush or climb up a tree. The more obstacles between you and it, the better!

“But Demencia,” you cry. “Amazing, beautiful Demencia deserving of all Black Hat’s love, what if this rhinoceros was, in theory, a genetically modified aberration of nature with a lumberjack’s axe for a head?”

I’m glad you asked! In this theoretical situation, I suggest you run in a zig-zag pattern for as long as you can before you run out of breath and die. 

Happy fleeing!

...let’s just hope Flug’s fever makes him delirious enough that he doesn’t notice the hole in the wall. Alright, what’s next?

“Anti-gravity ra-”

Ooh, this is the thing he messed up with the first time! Finally made it into a ray, as Black Hat requested. I’m guessing with this you’d be able to yeet your heroic enemies straight into the frickin’ sun!

...what, too much? 

I’m still hip with the kids! At least I speak English instead of whatever incoherent babble Flug speaks. 

No, I mean nerd-speak- obviously I don’t mean Icelandic!

You know what? I think we should try it on you, 5.0.5. If it can lift you, I’m sure it can lift anything! You’re a bit tubby. 

Now, how do we take the safety off of this…?

Fun fact, kids, bullets tend to ricochet off hard and flat surfaces like metal, and off of the water! Make sure to use that on your next rampage through a city. 

Ah, there’s the click! Now, 5.0.5… stay very, very still…

KABLAM! TAKE THAT, YOU CHUNKY BLUEBERRY-

Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiit….

Um…

Hey, uh, 5.0.5? That boiler wasn’t important, right?

...what do you mean the freeze ray?

Alright, um, we’re going to have to start running soon- for context, a few months ago, Flug managed to invent a freezing ray for villains dealing with water-based heroes, and to literally nobody’s surprise, it backfired. By which I mean it worked so well that it froze the trigger in place and wouldn’t stop shooting ice in literally every direction. Considering Flug managed to create a temperature cold enough within it to provide continuous electricity to power it, it, uh, still hasn’t turned off…

And if that was that boiler…

Well, we have about five minutes before we all become popsicles, and I can already see the frost creeping over the desk, so hey! Might as well check in with our rampaging rhinoceros friend! Through the hole in the wall, everyone!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. Again. 
> 
> Junior year is hell for students. 
> 
> I can't promise an update day for anything anymore considering it's only my second day in the second semester and I already have two essays due and a Spanish test. 
> 
> I will say, I want to expand into more fandoms.

**Author's Note:**

> OOOOOOOF I NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK I'M SORRY
> 
> IT'S BEEN A DIFFICULT FEW MONTHS AND WHILE I WAS TRYING NOT TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT I MANAGED TO WRITE THIS PATHETIC MESS
> 
> I HOPE TO BE BACK TO WORKING ON SWAPPED N STUFF SOON BUT I CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES
> 
> Still, thank you for all the support. As I'm writing this I'm currently sick as well (not with Campylobacteriosis thankfully, though I do own a beardie and am at risk to exposure to it ahahahah), and it's been great to see all the feedback I've recieved while on AO3. 
> 
> This work is not done! Next chapter should be up in a day or two if all is well. 
> 
> Thank you all!
> 
> -Hedge


End file.
